I didn't want to post until after my next appointment with my midwives, but I don't want to leave things here feeling stagnant, especially after such a potent (but very shortened) view of the last 5 years to now.
So, I'm pregnant! 12 weeks right now, wow. I can't believe it!
The most surreal thing was my visit a couple weeks ago actually allowed me to hear a heartbeat; a little being 1/2 inch or less with a powerful and quick heartbeat! It was emotional, but I did very well to not explode with tears this entire visit as I felt the eyeliner/mascara dripping down my face in salty tears would not be an easy cleanup. I've decided, any appointments upcoming where I know I'll be emotional, which will likely be all of them, I plan on wearing no makeup.
The first month I was over over over emotional, and I know that's okay. I feel things are balancing a little more which is great. Less nausea, but still not quite 100% brain function.. I'll be talking and then all the sudden stop in cold silence and laugh, "I can't remember where I was going with this." It happened at least 3 times in a conversation with a friend over pie yesterday. Vegan coconut cream, delightful!
Things are getting busier with my work places, will adding more tasks here and there. We'll see how it works out realistically versus conversationally.
I'm also going to be art modeling again, so that's nice. It's nice to be a subject of someone else's beautiful vision. Then there are vocal lessons, still searching for recommendations, but I've begun writing songs down I want to learn to practice in the interim so I'm practicing different styles of songs and ranges with my voice.
Oh oh, but some of the most divine news of all, that my half present brain seemed to have forgotten for a moment, is my lovely friend/acupuncturist/medicine guru is going to be present at the birth at a spiritual midwife. His offer initially made my heart sing a little, but he advised I think it over. He was the first person I officially confided in through all of these happenings, and someone I feel incredibly love and safety around so more though made me more certain that I wanted to accept. We have a lot of planning going forward but each appointment we make seems like a breath of fresh of air. His energy and presence have really helped me release and reflect and bring love into my body and my mind.
Find him here if you want to read about him or are thinking you'd like to schedule.
Everything is overwhelming, but it's working. Of course, nothing is ideal and everything is bit harder than it should be, but the thoughts and love I've received from everyone around me helps make it bearable.
I love you all!