Saturday, March 10, 2012

Some catching up

This year: Oh these years, it's hard enough to keep the days of the week straight, let alone every day that consecutively makes up an entire year. But allow me to try. Over the last 5 years I've had some eye opening experiences, that to most normal every day folk would seem just surreal. I'd often be sitting in these experiences thinking that same thing; "How did I get here? Why am I here?" .. And it wasn't until years into I started realizing my experiences were lessons, teachings from the divine. So, here it goes, and this may get scary, a bit ugly even, but you have to know darkness exists to make to see light, to have light, to be light.

Let's time travel to 2006, winter in Washington, Thanksgiving time. Me, I just turned 22, and was going through one of those "end of the world" breakups. Not going to lie, of course it was devastating. The first guy I had known who was a decent person. I know, hard to believe by only 22 I had a jaded view of men, but believe it. So, I handled it thoughtlessly and carelessly, with copious amounts of drinking to mask (but make worse) the depression and hurt, of course. So, as I sat in this little icky bar with close friends, a man walks in the door, and had I known this man would single handedly teach me everything about fear, aggression, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and drug abuse and any other extreme pain that came without love and support, I would have looked the other way.
I remembered him, he knew my friend's. "Isn't that..?" And my friend replied "Oh ya, hey Brian!".. God these words are so daunting I want to cry.. And that was it. The next 5 years of my life I would spend giving this man blood, sweat and tears, and something bigger, which will come soon.
So, Brian. He was phyiscally attractive, an amazing musician, seemed like a very sweet genuine guy. Turns out he had every issue from sociopathy to drug addiction. And I can legitimately say this because he had told himself his best friend's had labeled him as such. Brian did pretty much every hard drug you could imagine, and  it caused extreme stress in our relationship, and at that time, he had been to prison 7 years before for a crime associated with his addiction and I never thought in a million years he would be so careless as to end up there again. Brian liked heroin, and when I met him, he was on. Me, having no experience with the drug thought, "oh he's in treatment, no big deal." Wrong, wrong, wrong, boy was I so wrong. Slowly by slowly I noticed regular life instances would stress him out, and this is when using was most appealing to him, a pseudo journey into a black nothingness, no emotion, no feeling, no nothing. Of course, I was always to blame. It was always because of me. I'm not going to say I'm perfect and still won't. I'm far from it, but the way he treated me was inexcusable. I cannot believe a human could treat a person who loved them so dearly the way he did me.
So basically, the partying became old to me, even though I was 10 years younger than this man, and it became a nuisance to life and our relationship, but because of his addiction issues, it always took priority. The first New years that year we had together, he left with his ex, who is the mother of his son, while I was at his best friend's house. He cheated on me right when we started seeing each other. And this went back and forth. Things would get a to point where I would beg for his affection and he would do nothing but get wasted on something, so I felt I needed affection elsewhere.. so we both contributed to infidelity and while it's not justified, I believe my reason to seek love which is the seed of all human connection, was more acceptable. Maybe I should have left him, but I still loved him and I wanted to be there for him to learn to be a better person,  because I knew it was possible. I was certain.
The tumultuous nature of relationship always came back to a drug; alcohol, heroin, crack, whatever. You name it. You think that someone's unhappy response to a negative lifestyle would make the other think twice, but I guess not.
So, we went on, aruging all the time, and remember, it was always my fault. He had a great way of manipulating his family and friends to believe it was always because of me and it was quite embarrassing, shameful, and hurtful because I value relationship with others.
And so in turn, I would leave and developed this pattern, hoping he would straighten up, and then I could come back to see he was ready to give love, but each time just got a little worse.
Countless physical arguments, things getting thrown around and destroyed to where eventually I was so sick of that emotional control, that I started doing it back. I could not believe myself. This was his nature to lash out over years this is how I learned to myself. It just further proves how something dark can grab hold of us so easily. But while my reaction was so, as I reflected on these his behaviors afterward, it wasn't hard to o recognize they were all his cry for help that he didn't know how to access. And I know I wanted to be there to be his shining light that would help see more.
But he did not take heed any of advice which in the long run would have made the world of difference for him and the strength of our relationship.
So let's move along. I remember right before his second arrest seeing him, he literally looked like he was going to die. It broke my heart in so many pieces to see him in all of these states.He had recently been hanging out with a gang homeless junkies and allowing them to stay with him. I could not understand. Out of worry and my love for him, I said I will come when these "people" go, (people who he had been committing crimes with) and eventually they did.
I stayed over for the first time in a few weeks, after these obviously not positively influential people seemed to have disappeared. That morning, I gave him a kiss, as I got up for work and Brian jolts "What's that? Did you hear that?." I say "No, it's nothing, go back to sleep." But he's up faster than I've ever seen him get out of bed and acting strange. I am by the front door about to walk out, it's cracked, and next thing I know FBI agents are yelling at us to get on the ground with guns pointed. I'm freaking out, "What the fuck is going? Brian, what did you do?" Turns out he and his "friends" had committed the same crime that he did 10 years prior and got time for.
So, here ends my patterns of wanting to leave, wait for change and then return. He was taken from me. The next few days, months, years would be even more trying than our relationship to begin with. He kept me holding on, believing he didn't do anything, that he would be out, so I waited, receiving and writing letters. I wasn't able to see him for sometime, and my heart already in pieces, started turning into dust. I cried everyday. Another type of devastation. I went to his pretrial and every court event, despite that I would maybe only get to catch a glimpse of him. All the while more letters, him professing his love and how I was right all along and he should have been more careful to take my advice. These words would cause more heartache. I don't remember when exactly he got sentenced or when I started visiting, but his sentence was 24 months, two years and I could only visit, write letters and if I was lucky, get a phone call before bed or sometime in the day, which always made me happy. More detrimental emotional trauma. I visit him as often as possible in Seatac, often rushing after work, in rush hour traffic. It was a terrible experience to be a detention center, men staring at you, prison guards treating you like shit; it was worth seeing him, but there was even bitterness in that, because I was so sad to leave without him. I cried when I would leave, or sometimes as I sat there before him. And even in  this, he did not feel my pain. He never empathized with my feelings. Everyone I knew I told me to leave him, from the day of to arrest to near the end. But he told me so many things he was working on, so I felt hopeful that he would recover emotionally and learn how to better love and treat me *or anyone for that matter.
However, I could still see his emotional IQ was skewed.
Now, there's one thing about me that Brian could never accept, regardless of how dead on I was about anything, and that was my inutition and my perception to read into him and his behaviors. It would be one thing to be writing letters back and forth and getting a "How are you. I really truly hope you are okay. I think about how you must feel and I know it must be painful." Or anything like that, but it never was. There was a lot of  "I love you" and sex and some dreams of what we would do when he was backm, but  it was fantasy. Nothing ever taking consideration of my feelings and how hard it was for me to be with a man I loved who was even further out of my life. I tried to convey  my feelings, and he he handled this how any other time I tried; by not being very responsive or supportive.
So almost a year went by and with the same responses, there I was feeling alone and unloved again. These communications were empty and I sometimes feel all he wanted to write about sexual experiences. I love his letters, but I always wished they were more considerate.
And, doing my thing a year into this with Brian, along came a guy. Our meeting was harmless, but eventually he began to pursue me. I don't know how many times I said "I have a boyfriend" while his response would be "He's in prison. He's not here for you", and it went on like this. But then I got a little clear and realized as the rest of our relationship and as this person would say, that Brian STILL was not there for me. And I eventually caved into the arms of someone who was there, could be affectionate, could do all the things I wished of my boyfriend. But we would talk of Brian most of the time. Of course, because of my love and attachment to Brian, I remained with Brian. I wasn't as honest as I should have been but I did tell him I wanted to take a break for a while, which was coincidentally right before he was sent to Oregon. Regardless of other men and how sweet they were and how giving they were, I still couldn't keep my mind off Brian. I loved him, and I think part of me was filling the void with others, because the two men I spent time with actually did remind of Brian in some ways, but they gave a bit more, which is what I always wished he would have done. Anyway, I stopped seeing this man right before Brian left, or he stopped seeing me because it was clear I still loved Brian and had everything intention of having him when he was back. So, now I was back to writing Brian abundant letters, emails, etc, except near the end as my heart grew weary, the communication became less. I spent a couple years already giving Brian everything I could, developing a relationship with his son who I would sometimes be left with while Brian was out doing God knows what, which I'm sure was drug related, and even still, never receiving anything in return so at this point the effort felt meaningless. But he got letters and even risqué photos he would beg for, knowing I didn't feel comfortable sending them, but I wanted to show him I loved him and I that I wanted to make him happy.
Sometimes I made trips out of going to Oregon to see Brian and sometimes it would be a long drive for not much but seeing him made feel good, I was finally past all the sadness and depression; only took a year. I remember Valentine's day, the year he was getting out, I didn't plan on going, but that morning I felt it would be the most important thing for me to go, so I drove 5 hours from Seattle to Sheridan, Oregon to see Brian for maybe 1 hour, but it may have been less. And drove the same amount of time straight back. This is all very difficult for me to write out because I am reminded of how much love and attention I tried to give and how little it was appreciated.
Now a bit more infidelity occurred in the next two years, on both ends and a extremely physically violent incident in where Brian could have been back in jail if I had decided this was what I should do. Remember, I love Brian, and my love is blind and so I made sure nothing happened with this, though I initially made the report out of fear, as I saw the first hundred drops of blood and then more continue to oour. It most understandly freaked me out. He says it was an accident, who can say for sure. I don't think it was. I think it was a result of his drinking, which goes back to his addiction patterns, and that is something he never has wanted to deal with. This is something he still doesn't recognize. So in the last of our time together, there was more arguing which I can always attribute to abuse of a substance, but he would see it differently.
Actually, after things settled, he stopped drinking for two months and said "he was getting older and didn't want to love that way anymore." I was so happy that I was with him in a heartbeat, I've waited so long for this day. And it was normal, our relationship finally calmed down. Things were "boring" but cultivating a boring relationship, in the sense that it's not crazy, is how a regular relationship should be.
So in this, something was still missing; our lack of doing anything together. This artist who loved art, woudln't come to museum with me, this lover of the outdoors wouldn't come on a hike with me and so of course, my partner would rather do absolutely nothing so it was upsetting to me. He would complain of us not doing anything and complain when I had ideas of something that would have be so wonderful to do.
So back to the not drinking, I thought it was fine, he was bored. So he started drinking again. In this time I found out that I was pregnant. Golly universe, are speaking loudly enough?!!! My initial reaction was "I can't do this" and that was solely because of worry about getting emotional support from Brian. I went in the office to talk about my "options" and they both sounded awful, I actually started crying as I asked questions. It was this that made me question my uncertainty about doing the termination.. Why are these words so discouraging.. Termination, abortion. So, I sought guidance and my answer was it wasn't right for me to make that decision. So I've been sick for a week or two, and Brian notices but doesn't ask are you okay, what's wrong, etc. One morning as I'm writhing in bed moaning with displeasure right before he steps out for work, a half caring uncompassionate question is asked " Are you okay?" And I take a couple breaths, nervous to tell him, but finally I uncomfortably say "I'm pregnant, Brian." Silent pause and "Okay, well, I'll talk to later."
This was my reply. This was my reply. THIS WAS MY FUCKING REPLY. I always wanted to give him more benefit that he would do the right thing, and still in this big moment of my life, and part his, that is what I get. Eventually he says he goes to say he doesn't think it's a good idea to have the baby (but my decision was made), I know this is solely because he doesn't like the idea of caring for someone else, especially when he can't even care for himself and is the obvious reason why I never was cared for.
This same reason is likely also why when I left the weekend after he drank himself into his normal state and followed around some 23 year old girl all night knowing I'm sick at home pregnant, he immediately shacked up with her. Low self-esteem, I suppose.
She was staying over from the week I left. And in all fairness, my hormones were raging, obviously, so while I didn't think leaving through, it wasn't about me this time, it was about someone else, another life that I had to care for. But his actions reflect his character quite strongly.
 Any man who can so easily and careless be with another person, knowing he has a pregnant girlfriend who he was with for many years can't have any sincere regard for people.
All he could think about was moving quickly into a new relationship, in where we can all see extreme neediness and co-dependence. So now he sits with his new 23 year old girlfriend (he's 37), clearly a rebound as to not have to reflect on the greater aspect what is actually happening, and knows he will never be in our lives because of his very poor choices in regards to himself.
I contacted him and told I wanted to be with him and I thought it would be good for us to finally figure this out. He went back and forth trying to lie and say there wasn't much going on with this girl, who two weeks into seeing Brian, had slept with him, bought him gifts, and was making him dinner every night. Absolutely, nothing's going on, she's not obsessing. She obviously knows nothing is going on here.
And I laugh at how he truly takes me for a fool as to believe it.
She has no idea of anything about him or the situation. She's young  and if there is enough unconsciousness and disassociation to move this fast into something with someone who is just leaving a long term relationship and also to not pay attention to how he treats his pregnant girlfriend, than she won't understand or see anything past her infatuation, and it won't be different, but this isn't my issue.
So, I again laid out my feelings with love, gave him this chance for us to change together and benefit each other with love and he would rather be careless in his choices, and made the decision to not grow.
Of course, it's emotional and it's difficult, and everything that our relationship always was that I expressed to him so badly I wanted changed.
After everything, especially his most recent behavioral patterns that he again has allowed to break him instead of having courage to break them, I'm now convinced he is stuck in some deep rooted darkness where he has no strength to rescue himself. I gave him years to help himself, countless resources, suggestions, and would give him much more had he so much as asked,  so why would I think the event of me carrying his child would give him anymore of a clear mind to evolve? It's apparent his issues go beyond emotional abuse or lack of emotional support, but I won't go into those, because some are personal things in which he told me.
Of course, I love him and I wish he would do better for himself, but I can't be the one who dies while he continues to thrive on his poor choices. My well being is now not only for myself.
The question:
How do we love someone so much when they never were capable to love us back?
One of the biggest lessons I learned from him was Love first requires giving it to yourself, before you can give it to another.
I forgive Brian though everything is still fresh. This is not to say this  forgiveness will show promises of allowing him into my life later on after the hardship of pregnancy is over and I'm nurturing a little one.
His realization will occur when he finally sees what he gave up on and what he will miss from his decisions to not progress into love.

As for me, I have to bring more light into my life, because I have something very special happening within.